Everyone is getting ready for Christmas and all I can think about is Jacob. I know he's in Heaven, and probably going to have an amazing Christmas, but it sucks for me. I went and did Christmas shopping the other day for his twin sister. Of course they have the "matching outfits" out for Christmas. You know, the pretty red dress and tights with the matching gray and red sweater with khaki pants. I almost lost it. Buying presents for my other kids is just another one of the many punches in my heart. I should be buying gifts for Jacob. I should be trying to stretch my budget just a little bit farther. I should be buying toys that work for both a boy and a girl.
But its not just the gifts. Its the whole holiday season. It's the "joy" and "cheer" and "love" that after losing a child, you have to work really hard to get back. And I will, I will work to have a good Christmas with my kids. I will work to put a smile on my face and enjoy the family time with those who are around me. I will work to be happy. And then, when everyone is asleep, I will steal a few precious moments away for myself. I will cry, and probably scream, and more than likely, squeeze my Jacob bear as tight as I can in a desperate attempt to bring him back to me. Then, I will put his things back on his shelf, wipe my eyes and remember that he is ok, and that one day I will see him again.
Be kind to one another. Remember that Christmas is not about the gifts, but about the reason for the gifts. Without Christ, our life would be pointless. Without Christ, our goodbyes would be final. Without Christ, the crappy, unfair, horrible situations of this world would go unnoticed.
But with Christ, we have Love. We have Joy. We have Hope.
Merry Christmas from our hearts to yours.
