Holidays Suck

Everyone is getting ready for Christmas and all I can think about is Jacob. I know he's in Heaven, and probably going to have an amazing Christmas, but it sucks for me. I went and did Christmas shopping the other day for his twin sister. Of course they have the "matching outfits" out for Christmas. You know, the pretty red dress and tights with the matching gray and red sweater with khaki pants. I almost lost it. Buying presents for my other kids is just another one of the many punches in my heart. I should be buying gifts for Jacob. I should be trying to stretch my budget just a little bit farther. I should be buying toys that work for both a boy and a girl.

But its not just the gifts. Its the whole holiday season. It's the "joy" and "cheer" and "love" that after losing a child, you have to work really hard to get back. And I will, I will work to have a good Christmas with my kids. I will work to put a smile on my face and enjoy the family time with those who are around me. I will work to be happy. And then, when everyone is asleep, I will steal a few precious moments away for myself. I will cry, and probably scream, and more than likely, squeeze my Jacob bear as tight as I can in a desperate attempt to bring him back to me. Then, I will put his things back on his shelf, wipe my eyes and remember that he is ok, and that one day I will see him again.

Be kind to one another. Remember that Christmas is not about the gifts, but about the reason for the gifts. Without Christ, our life would be pointless. Without Christ, our goodbyes would be final. Without Christ, the crappy, unfair, horrible situations of this world would go unnoticed.

But with Christ, we have Love. We have Joy. We have Hope.

Merry Christmas from our hearts to yours.

Capture Your Grief Day 3: Before

There are so  many things I could say about "before" I lost Jacob. Things from being stupid enough to think it would NEVER happen to me, or being too "good" to even worry about losing a child. I am not new to child loss, as I have suffered a few miscarriages, but they are nothing compared to the pain of watching the life slowly leave a child you are holding. But there was also a lot of joy "before". I have a beautiful family with 3 older children who light up my world! I have been married to the most amazing man since I was 18 (we started dating when I was a freshman in high school). You could say I had a wonderful life. Even after my water broke at 12 weeks pregnant, I had a "good" life. I enjoyed moments of my pregnancy, including taking weekly pictures. This one is the last picture I got of my belly. It was two days before the twins were born.

I beat all the odds that came with PPROM. We beat every odd, except the one that mattered. I carried them longer than many women get the chance, I never got an infection, I never went into labor, I had fluid at times, all these things that were not "suppose" to happen, happened for me, and yet, here I am writing about the grief of losing a child. I wish I could go back to the "before", but that is just not possible. My life will forever be split into two times: Before my son died, and After.

Capture Your Grief Day 2: Heart

This one was easy for me. You see, when Jacob passed away, the hospital staff took pictures of Jacob for me. They dressed him up in a little outfit, and took a few pictures of him posed. Those are pictures I will treasure forever. One picture is especially important to me, because Jacob was "holding" a heart charm. It's nothing over the top, just a little heart resting between his hands. I got that heart, and I wear it on a necklace. I have only taken it off once, and that was when my husband took it to get Jacob Bradley engraved on the back. And it was the longest 3 weeks of my life. Once I got it back, I would be visiting Juliet in the NICU and during kangaroo care, she would hold onto the heart. Even now, 2 years later, when she is sick or upset, she holds onto that heart as a way to comfort herself. And I cannot blame her, as I do the same thing. Brett knows when I am missing Jacob because my hands always finds its way to that heart. It's  my link to Jacob. I get to hold something whenever I want, that he held too. I will always carry Jacob in my heart, and I will always wear "his heart" as a way to feel close to him.

Capture You Grief Day 1: Sunrise

Capture You Grief was started by another mother as a way to honor her child during the month of October. So many people know October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. As a way to remember Jacob, and all the others who have left this world before truly living, I will be taking part in Capture Your Grief and will be sharing them daily here.
Day 1: Sunrise
It seems fitting that the sunrise today was blocked by clouds. I truly love clouds, I actually love them more now. I feel the sun shines brighter when it is trying to break though them. Many mornings, I go out with the dogs and watch the sun rise. Its so peaceful. It reminds me of the peace that washed over me when Jacob died. It was not something that came from me. It was impossible to feel that level of peace by my own. God has answered a lot of prayers for me, but the one that I feel them most is this peace. Every time I see a sunrise, that peace washes over me again, and I can feel God holding me in his arms. When the sun finally breaks through and I feel those first few rays on my face, I know it's Jacob's way of saying he loves me. So I'll sit and watch the sunrise, every chance I get, just to feel God's arms, and Jacob's love.

My New Normal

Sorry to be MIA lately. Our life has become a little more crazy. On August 1st, we welcomed our rainbow into the world. He is perfect. Bradley James is named after his big brother, and I see a lot of Jacob in his face. It's hard to look at him and not see his brother. As wonderful as it is to have him here in my arms, it is also extremely hard. I think so often we expect people to "heal" from a tragic loss once they have found something or someone to fill their time again. I knew having a new baby boy would be hard. And it is. It is so hard to look at him and not feel the twinge of pain that Jacob is not here. It's bittersweet. If Jacob had survived, we would have never had another child. Bradley would not exist if Jacob had lived. I cannot imagine my life without Bradley. He has been in my arms for 27 days now and I cannot picture life without him.
I know so many people expect me to be "better" now. I have my baby boy and I should now be the happy, carefree woman I was 3 years ago. But I will never be her again. I will forever be changed by Jacob. (And I wouldn't have it any other way!) But I also need time to grieve this new pain that I have in my heart. A pain that is not easy to explain or describe. A pain that brings a tear to my eye, while at the same time, a smile to my lips. Jacob will NEVER be replaced. Bradley will be my baby. But the two of them will have a bond like no other. Thank you Jacob for giving me the chance to meet Bradley. I look forward to sharing your story with your baby brother as he gets older. Fly high Jacob; you have another one to watch and keep safe!

Telling Jacob's Story

I was asked if I would like to be featured on another mother's blog. She asked if I would be willing to share the twins story. Of course I was! I love talking about my twins.
But I didn't realize how much it still hurts, 20 months later, to relive those few moments I had with Jacob. Going over every detail in my mind. Seeing him so clearly and perfectly in my arms. Reliving the pain and heartbreak all over again. I never expected it to be easy. And actually, I hope it never is. I don't ever want to get to a point when remembering my son doesn't bring tears to my eyes for what I am missing. But I didn't expect it to be so crippling still. It took me a few hours to write what I wanted. To decide what parts of his story I wanted to share, and what parts I wanted to keep to myself. And now here I sit, the scars opened up again, raw and bleeding. He was my son. My perfect son who was loved so deeply from the moment we learned of him. He was desired and wanted. He is missed every second of the day. I think some days I am doing better, but then I have moments like these and I realize that I will never be "better". There is no way to be 'better' after your child dies. There are ways to get up and keep moving. There are ways to find joy and happiness in life again, but there is no way to be 'better'. It is not an illness you get over. Grief is not a disease, like many treat it.
So, for the rest of today, I will sit and hold Jake, and I will cry silently on the couch until my children wake up. Then I will clean my face, wipe my eyes and face the rest of the day until I can lay in bed and cry myself to sleep over the loss of a child I will never get to know. I miss you Jacob. So very much I miss you.

TRIGGERS!!

(For those who do not know what Triggers means, don't worry about it. It is a way for grieving mothers to warn others of content before they read it.)

Sorry it has been so quiet lately. We have been a little on the busy side. We moved into our new home and have been getting things settled and unpacked. Jacob's twin sister Juliet has been getting some evaluations and she is officially done with Physical Therapy. We are so blessed that she is doing well and I know her brother is keeping her safe.

We also have some exciting news to share. God has blessed us once again with another life to add to our family. Jacob will be a big brother in August 2014. (Yes just a month away) We have been very careful and cautious this pregnancy. We feel extremely blessed and I know Jacob played a part in this child's life. If God had allowed us to keep Jacob, I know this baby would never exist. No, it does not make it "worth it", or "easy" or any of those things, but I can see God's plans being played out in a way that I could not see 2 years ago. We are coming up on the anniversary of my water breaking with Jacob. So many emotions, both exciting and heartbreaking. I look forward to sharing Jacob's little sibling with you, while learning to navigate this new road of raising my Rainbow, and keeping Jacob very much alive in our family. We are ready. We are beyond scared and honestly, I dont know what I will do when this baby gets here, but I know God would not give me a child if it was not part of His plans. So, we will gladly accept this baby into our family and we look forward to sharing their life as well.

Thank you all for the continued support and prayers!