Telling Jacob's Story

I was asked if I would like to be featured on another mother's blog. She asked if I would be willing to share the twins story. Of course I was! I love talking about my twins.
But I didn't realize how much it still hurts, 20 months later, to relive those few moments I had with Jacob. Going over every detail in my mind. Seeing him so clearly and perfectly in my arms. Reliving the pain and heartbreak all over again. I never expected it to be easy. And actually, I hope it never is. I don't ever want to get to a point when remembering my son doesn't bring tears to my eyes for what I am missing. But I didn't expect it to be so crippling still. It took me a few hours to write what I wanted. To decide what parts of his story I wanted to share, and what parts I wanted to keep to myself. And now here I sit, the scars opened up again, raw and bleeding. He was my son. My perfect son who was loved so deeply from the moment we learned of him. He was desired and wanted. He is missed every second of the day. I think some days I am doing better, but then I have moments like these and I realize that I will never be "better". There is no way to be 'better' after your child dies. There are ways to get up and keep moving. There are ways to find joy and happiness in life again, but there is no way to be 'better'. It is not an illness you get over. Grief is not a disease, like many treat it.
So, for the rest of today, I will sit and hold Jake, and I will cry silently on the couch until my children wake up. Then I will clean my face, wipe my eyes and face the rest of the day until I can lay in bed and cry myself to sleep over the loss of a child I will never get to know. I miss you Jacob. So very much I miss you.

TRIGGERS!!

(For those who do not know what Triggers means, don't worry about it. It is a way for grieving mothers to warn others of content before they read it.)

Sorry it has been so quiet lately. We have been a little on the busy side. We moved into our new home and have been getting things settled and unpacked. Jacob's twin sister Juliet has been getting some evaluations and she is officially done with Physical Therapy. We are so blessed that she is doing well and I know her brother is keeping her safe.

We also have some exciting news to share. God has blessed us once again with another life to add to our family. Jacob will be a big brother in August 2014. (Yes just a month away) We have been very careful and cautious this pregnancy. We feel extremely blessed and I know Jacob played a part in this child's life. If God had allowed us to keep Jacob, I know this baby would never exist. No, it does not make it "worth it", or "easy" or any of those things, but I can see God's plans being played out in a way that I could not see 2 years ago. We are coming up on the anniversary of my water breaking with Jacob. So many emotions, both exciting and heartbreaking. I look forward to sharing Jacob's little sibling with you, while learning to navigate this new road of raising my Rainbow, and keeping Jacob very much alive in our family. We are ready. We are beyond scared and honestly, I dont know what I will do when this baby gets here, but I know God would not give me a child if it was not part of His plans. So, we will gladly accept this baby into our family and we look forward to sharing their life as well.

Thank you all for the continued support and prayers!