Telling Jacob's Story

I was asked if I would like to be featured on another mother's blog. She asked if I would be willing to share the twins story. Of course I was! I love talking about my twins.
But I didn't realize how much it still hurts, 20 months later, to relive those few moments I had with Jacob. Going over every detail in my mind. Seeing him so clearly and perfectly in my arms. Reliving the pain and heartbreak all over again. I never expected it to be easy. And actually, I hope it never is. I don't ever want to get to a point when remembering my son doesn't bring tears to my eyes for what I am missing. But I didn't expect it to be so crippling still. It took me a few hours to write what I wanted. To decide what parts of his story I wanted to share, and what parts I wanted to keep to myself. And now here I sit, the scars opened up again, raw and bleeding. He was my son. My perfect son who was loved so deeply from the moment we learned of him. He was desired and wanted. He is missed every second of the day. I think some days I am doing better, but then I have moments like these and I realize that I will never be "better". There is no way to be 'better' after your child dies. There are ways to get up and keep moving. There are ways to find joy and happiness in life again, but there is no way to be 'better'. It is not an illness you get over. Grief is not a disease, like many treat it.
So, for the rest of today, I will sit and hold Jake, and I will cry silently on the couch until my children wake up. Then I will clean my face, wipe my eyes and face the rest of the day until I can lay in bed and cry myself to sleep over the loss of a child I will never get to know. I miss you Jacob. So very much I miss you.