Capture Your Grief Day 3: Before

There are so  many things I could say about "before" I lost Jacob. Things from being stupid enough to think it would NEVER happen to me, or being too "good" to even worry about losing a child. I am not new to child loss, as I have suffered a few miscarriages, but they are nothing compared to the pain of watching the life slowly leave a child you are holding. But there was also a lot of joy "before". I have a beautiful family with 3 older children who light up my world! I have been married to the most amazing man since I was 18 (we started dating when I was a freshman in high school). You could say I had a wonderful life. Even after my water broke at 12 weeks pregnant, I had a "good" life. I enjoyed moments of my pregnancy, including taking weekly pictures. This one is the last picture I got of my belly. It was two days before the twins were born.

I beat all the odds that came with PPROM. We beat every odd, except the one that mattered. I carried them longer than many women get the chance, I never got an infection, I never went into labor, I had fluid at times, all these things that were not "suppose" to happen, happened for me, and yet, here I am writing about the grief of losing a child. I wish I could go back to the "before", but that is just not possible. My life will forever be split into two times: Before my son died, and After.

Capture Your Grief Day 2: Heart

This one was easy for me. You see, when Jacob passed away, the hospital staff took pictures of Jacob for me. They dressed him up in a little outfit, and took a few pictures of him posed. Those are pictures I will treasure forever. One picture is especially important to me, because Jacob was "holding" a heart charm. It's nothing over the top, just a little heart resting between his hands. I got that heart, and I wear it on a necklace. I have only taken it off once, and that was when my husband took it to get Jacob Bradley engraved on the back. And it was the longest 3 weeks of my life. Once I got it back, I would be visiting Juliet in the NICU and during kangaroo care, she would hold onto the heart. Even now, 2 years later, when she is sick or upset, she holds onto that heart as a way to comfort herself. And I cannot blame her, as I do the same thing. Brett knows when I am missing Jacob because my hands always finds its way to that heart. It's  my link to Jacob. I get to hold something whenever I want, that he held too. I will always carry Jacob in my heart, and I will always wear "his heart" as a way to feel close to him.

Capture You Grief Day 1: Sunrise

Capture You Grief was started by another mother as a way to honor her child during the month of October. So many people know October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. As a way to remember Jacob, and all the others who have left this world before truly living, I will be taking part in Capture Your Grief and will be sharing them daily here.
Day 1: Sunrise
It seems fitting that the sunrise today was blocked by clouds. I truly love clouds, I actually love them more now. I feel the sun shines brighter when it is trying to break though them. Many mornings, I go out with the dogs and watch the sun rise. Its so peaceful. It reminds me of the peace that washed over me when Jacob died. It was not something that came from me. It was impossible to feel that level of peace by my own. God has answered a lot of prayers for me, but the one that I feel them most is this peace. Every time I see a sunrise, that peace washes over me again, and I can feel God holding me in his arms. When the sun finally breaks through and I feel those first few rays on my face, I know it's Jacob's way of saying he loves me. So I'll sit and watch the sunrise, every chance I get, just to feel God's arms, and Jacob's love.