There are so many things I could say about "before" I lost Jacob. Things from being stupid enough to think it would NEVER happen to me, or being too "good" to even worry about losing a child. I am not new to child loss, as I have suffered a few miscarriages, but they are nothing compared to the pain of watching the life slowly leave a child you are holding. But there was also a lot of joy "before". I have a beautiful family with 3 older children who light up my world! I have been married to the most amazing man since I was 18 (we started dating when I was a freshman in high school). You could say I had a wonderful life. Even after my water broke at 12 weeks pregnant, I had a "good" life. I enjoyed moments of my pregnancy, including taking weekly pictures. This one is the last picture I got of my belly. It was two days before the twins were born.
I beat all the odds that came with PPROM. We beat every odd, except the one that mattered. I carried them longer than many women get the chance, I never got an infection, I never went into labor, I had fluid at times, all these things that were not "suppose" to happen, happened for me, and yet, here I am writing about the grief of losing a child. I wish I could go back to the "before", but that is just not possible. My life will forever be split into two times: Before my son died, and After.
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