Life Goes On

Life goes on. The unbearably painful truth that haunts every grieving mother. Time does not stop when our children die. The world does not wait for us to pick ourselves up and get ready to keep moving. It goes on, and we are dragged along with it. We are expected to get up and get dressed every morning. We are needed by family members, our jobs, and our pets. But in truth, all we want to do is crawl into a hole and never come out. (Or at least that was me)

But what good comes from hiding out in a hole? I love the story of David and Bethsheba. When their child, a son became ill, David begged and pleaded with God. He did not eat, he did not get up from the ground. He did not bath. He was in what I considered myself to be a hole. The same type of hole I was in after Jacob died. But the day came when David's son died. And David did the most crazy thing in the world. He got up, showered, got dressed, and ate. When asked about it, he simply said “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 1 Samual 12:22-23. 


Now, I'm not saying it's not ok to weep, or be stuck in a hole. Heck, Jesus wept when he learned that his friend Lazareth had died. (And Jesus brought him back to life!) And I was stuck in my own hole for a long time. But David has a point. Can I bring Jacob back by crying and fasting and not bathing? Can I bring my son back by living my life in a hole? No, I can not. I cannot do anything that will bring Jacob back to me. But I will see him again. I will get to a point when I can hug my son again. I will go to him one day (and I fully expect him to be there waiting to greet me as soon as I do.) 


So what good does it do to stay in my hole? I'm not saying it's easy. And frankly, there are times when I really don't WANT to get up out of my hole. But God has put me here for a reason. And he let Jacob die for a reason. What if the reason was for me to understand something? What if it was help someone else through this journey? What if, it was not for my benefit at all, but for someone else to see God? What good can I do by living in a hole. What can I share, what can I support, if I cannot get myself up off the ground? Don't get me wrong, I fail at this on a regular basis. I don't always want to share Jacob's story. I don't always want to get the pity looks, the "I'm so sorry", "I don't know how you do it", "I could never survive that" comments. But I also know that God has a plan. A plan that I wish I could change sometimes. But in my heart, I know it is good. And I know God will reward those who are faithful to Him. I don't know what that looks like, and honestly all I want is to have my son delivered into my arms again. But one day, I just hope I can go before God and say I did the best I could. I don't want to regret anything when I stand before the LORD, but instead be able to hold my head high and say, "Yes it was hard, and yes it hurt, and no I didn't understand, but I kept moving forward." 

I pray you are moving forward. Even if it is so slow, no one else notices. God will notice, and your sweet angel will notice too.