January 2014

So fast forward 14 months, and here we are. I spent the whole last year, worrying and taking care of Jacob twin sister Juliet. Thank God, she is a happy healthy 1 year old, who besides being slightly delayed in her development, she has no long term effects from being born 4 months early. As I thought about a New Year's Resolution, I thought back to 2013. Our daughter came home from the hospital in March, and our life has revolved around countless doctor appointment, physical therapy, and trying to keep her safe and healthy. Add on top of that the lives of her three older siblings, and we have a pretty busy house. I didn't realize until thinking back, that 2013 I spend pushing down and pretending the pain of Jacob was not there. I was "fine" when people asked, and really, I didn't bring up the pain and didn't want to. I wanted to be "over it" and move on to being happy again. Unfortunately, being happy is something that no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't. I didn't find joy in life, and while my kids could make me smile every once in a while, I wasn't really "happy".

So I have set out to change that. And part of being happy, is acknowledging the pain and living through it. I'm not saying at the end of 2014 I will be "over" Jacob, and I will be "back to the old me", but I hope I will be one step closer. It's not going to be a fun journey, that's for sure. It's never fun to bring up pain when all you want is to be done with it. It may not be fun, and it sure as hell won't be easy, but in the end, it will be worth it. To be able to enjoy life again, and to be happy again is worth all the crap I have to go through to get there. It will be bringing up old memories, good and bad. It will be living through some pain over and over again, and it will be bring up pains that I never "dealt" with in the first place. In the end, I hope to come out stronger, braver, happier, and most of all, I hope to have back the Faith I started with during this journey.

Welcome to my journey. If you are a fellow angel mommy, I'm sorry. There is no other words to say to someone who lost a child, because in reality, words won't make it better. But I hope you can find some comfort in this, and know you are not alone. Thanks for joining me on my journey....