As anyone can imagine, having a child die can shake your faith. Especially in my case.
Here is a little backstory of our pregnancy. We went in at 7 weeks and got our first ultrasound. It was then that we saw two perfectly beating hearts on the screen. I never expected in my life to be given two children at once. We already had 3 beautiful children, and we were trying for one more to complete our family. My husband and I laughed (out of pure shock), but we were excited! My mind started spinning and I started making lists (which I always do when stressed) of all the things we would need for 2 new babies. I did as much reading as I could, and I logged everything that happened, every day. The first part of my pregnancy seemed to fly by. Before I knew it, I was 11 week pregnant, and SHOWING!! I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. I usually don't announce pregnancy until after 12 weeks because we have lost a few to miscarriage and I knew it was likely to happen again.
This is when it all changed. I was sitting at our friends house during small group when I realized I was slightly wet down there. I didn't think much of it, but when I got home I called my doctor's office just to make sure. They told me unless there was blood, there was nothing to worry about.
One week later, I went into to see the MFM (maternal fetal medicine doctor). Basically a specialist for high risk pregnancies. I was high risk due to my preterm labor in previous pregnancies as well as this one being twins. When we got in there and started the ultrasound, we knew something wasn't right. There were two heartbeats, but one looked very small. The MFM came in and told me what I was afraid to hear. My water had broken a week ago, at 12 weeks pregnant. A baby cannot survive without fluid because they need it to develop their lungs. Not only that, but once your water breaks you are at a hight risk of infection. We were told to terminate the pregnancy, but we refused. Our MFM told us all we could do was wait until my body miscarried them both, or I got an infection in which case they would induce me and we would lose both of the babies.
We had a choice at this moment. We could agree to what the doctor wanted, or we could put it in God's Hands. We chose the latter, and asked God to protect them, and keep them safe and growing. And he did. For 13 weeks, he kept both of the babies growing on track, we got to see things that we were told we never would because Jacob didn't have fluid. I stayed healthy, with no infection setting in.
Fast forward through a traumatic emergency c-section (with no pain medicine might I add) at 25 weeks pregnant, to 2 days after birth. Jacob had had two major brain bleeds and his body and organs started shutting down. We watched as they pulled him off life support and said goodbye.
I begged and pleaded with God to keep Jacob alive. He had done it for 13 weeks, why would he take my son away now? But He did, and it hurt.
I hated trusting God. I trusted Him, and he let me down. He let me believe I would bring my son home, and then he pulled the rug right out from under me. In a matter of less then 48 hours, my life went from having so much hope, to losing it all. I went through some pretty dark times since then. And I'm sure I'll go through more as time goes on. But there is one thing that bugs me now. Most of my friends are amazing! They try and help, and I know they mean well, but its hard to watch someone go through this and not think they are still "stuck" in their "not trusting God" faze. Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I don't trust him, but more often then not, its not that I don't trust him. I just realize that He is going to do His plans, and they may not be what I want. I trust God to do what is "best" and is "His Plan". However, I have learned that His Plan and My Plan are not always the same, and he is not going to do My Plan, just because I ask Him to. I have learned that God is willing to let me suffer, for the Greater Plan, and I have to be prepared for that. I don't "not trust" God with whatever the issue is, I trust Him to do what he needs to do, and I am no longer naive enough to think it will not cause me pain. I have to be prepared for the fact that sometimes, life sucks, and there is nothing you can do to change it. I hate the "I prayed and God answered my Prayers" saying. Because the reality is, Jacob didn't die because I didn't pray. Trust me on this, it was not from a lack of prayers that my son died. My son died because that is what God had planned, and no matter how much I prayed and begged, if God wanted my son, He was going to get him.
No its, not that I don't trust God, I have just learned that trusting God doesn't always mean a good outcome for me. And that sucks...
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