Really, you had to ask THAT?!!!

I cannot get over how many seemingly simple questions can cause so much pain now that I have an angel. So many times, people mean no harm in asking simple things, they are just trying to have a conversation. Unfortuanatly, after losing a child, those simple things, turn into questions that leave an angel mommy feeling confused, mad, and often upset at herself for the way she answered.

After I brought my living twin home from the hospital, I had the occasion when I had to take all 4 of my living children to the store. At one point, the very sweet older lady who was our cashier asked me "Oh how sweet, how many children do you have." First of all, I had 4 with me, can you not count? Second of all, do you really want me to say it so you can tell me how hard is must be and how busy I am, because I SHOULD be more busy, and I would do anything to be pulling my hair because my twins wont sleep at the same time. I stood and looked at her like she had just slapped me in the face. It was the first time someone had asked me how many kids I had since Jacob had died. How do I answer this? Do I tell her 5 and have her ask where the other one was, in which case I would have to explain the whole story to her? Which lets face it, no one wants to hear about a baby that has less than a 1% chance at life, unless they survive. Do I tell her 4 and refuse to acknowledge that my son is my child? I remember that day so clearly because it was the first time I refused to mention my Jacob. I came home and cried. I felt horrible because I felt like I let him down. I didn't give him the recognition he deserved and as a mother, I failed him. Our job as mothers is to raise our children and teach them, My job as an Angel Mommy, is to keep my son's story alive. Since that day I have refused to do that again. I mention him whenever asked and realize that my comfort is what I have to live with, not theirs. If they get uncomfortable about me mentioning my dead child, then that is something they need to work on, not me. I refuse to let someone else's comfort level affect me and what I say about my son.

I could go on and on about what questions rip me to the core, but in reality it wont change anything. What it has changed is me. I no longer carry on small talk with strangers. I will see a cute baby and want to ask about them, but what if they just lost a baby too? What if that sweet little one is suppose to be a twin, but will live their life alone? What if the parents want more kids, but cannot have more? These are questions that I never thought about before, but now I cannot help but wonder. Becoming an Angel Mommy has changed my perspective, and taking away my innocents when it comes to babies. I no longer find joy in someone announcing a pregnancy. Instead I hit my knees praying God keeps that baby safe and healthy until at least 40 weeks!! I worry about parents and babies and older children alike, because I know what this pain is, and I wish it on NO ONE!! Losing a Child changes the parents. It takes away a lot of joy. Not JUST because our child is gone, but because we no longer can live the carefree life we lived before. We can no longer enjoy the little things, because in the back of our head is always the fear of losing those children in our lives we care so much about. We are forever changed, and frankly, I am still trying to decide if its for the better.