It has been 14 months, and 9 days since Jacob died. Yeah, thats a long time to some people, but to a grieving mother, that is nothing. Fourteen months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I will (hopefully), live to be 80 years old. That means, I will suffer through the death of my son for 56 years. Fourteen months is nothing compared to that. But people want me to be over it. They want me to be happy, and laughing, and "back to my old self". It makes people uncomfortable to see me cry over Jacob. And I understand that they are over it by now. They don't get tears in their eyes when they think of my son who was only here for a few short days. They don't relive ever moment of his life like I do. They don't need to cry anymore. But I do. Sometimes, I just need to have a good cry, and get it out. I miss my son. Every second of every day I miss the child that I should be watching grow and learn new things. I miss the firsts that I never got to see, and I never will. And as much as I wish I didn't need to cry, I do. So let me do that. If I start to cry, let me get it out. If it makes you uncomfortable, get over yourself. I get it: No one wants to talk about death and be reminded of it every day. I promise, I know. But sometimes, you have to put your own insecurities and comfort zones out of the way, and allow those who need to heal, to do so. Don't ask me when I "wont need" to cry anymore. Because the reality is, I will probably have days 20+ years from now that I need to cry. And thats ok. So often we try and "fix" people. Trust me, I have been there trying to "fix" other's hurt. But the reality is, no one can fix this pain. No one can take it away and no one can replace the life that is now gone forever. I will always miss my son. I could go on to have 10 more kids, and it still won't be the same. I will still miss Jacob. Unless God himself gives Jacob back to me, I will always miss him, and there will always be someone missing from our family pictures. So let me cry.
I found this song after writing this and I knew it was perfect, so I thought I would share it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt0BKDOe3x0&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Sweet friend. I applaud your honesty. And I cannot fathom the depths of your pain. I still pray for your heart, and the hole in it. I know that time won't heal the pain, it'll only change it into something different... But I pray joy for you in the middle of your pain. I pray peace for you, the kind that passes all understanding. And I pray comfort for your broken heart. Jacob's name and your tears will always be welcome in our conversations!! XOxo
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