The Little Things

So many mothers have little things they remember about their children. I am no different, but my "little things" are different. I got to see my Jacob once a week from 14 weeks pregnant until he was born. I got to see him kick, and move his arms. I go to see him make amazing strides by opening his mouth and swallowing. I got to see hiccups and his little body move up and down as he was practicing breathing.

One of my favorite things was hearing his heartbeat. It didn't take long for me to know who was who. Juliet was always a little faster and never the same. Her heart would be anywhere from 170-180, but never the same as it was the week before. Jacob's was steady. Every week, his little heart rate was 162 beats per minute. No matter what we did, it was always 162. I quickly learned the sound of it, and it is one sound that I can still hear in my head. I feel like it's my equivalent to my child's voice. I never got to hear Jacob cry, or talk. God gave me this instead. God gave me his heartbeat to carry with me throughout my life as a reminder of him and a memory to hold onto. I often find myself tapping my feet to the beat of my son's heart.

The other "reminder" of him, was feeling him move. Every morning at about 6:45am, Jacob would wake me up by poking me on my left lower side. It was as if he was there to say, "Hey Mommy, I'm still here and growing." Every day from the first day I felt him, he never failed to wake me up. I still get "ghoast kicks" every once in a while. I know it's not him, but I love them all the same.

I don't get a lot of memories of Jacob, so I cling so tightly to the ones I do have. I didn't get his laughter, or his "mommy I love you". I didn't get his smiles or his hugs. But I got things all the same. I got to know my son as he was. I got to know Jacob the way God wanted me to know him. God pointed out things that I would never remember otherwise. He showed me things that I would need later on, to point me in the direction God was taking me. And all of those things were before Jacob was born. The Jacob I knew was not the one outside my womb; it was the Jacob that I carried for 179 days inside me.