The "Not so Dark" Side

I will never say there is a good/bright/happy side to losing a child. It is just a fact that being an angel mommy is incredibly painful. But, if we chose to only focus on the bad, we will never improve ourselves or those around us. I have to, for my own sanity and for the health of my family, look at the "bright" side of things every once in a while.
We are in the process of building a house on 7 acres of land up the road from where we live now. We spend most of this past weekend outside playing and relaxing the the glory of God's creations.

My oldest son is 7 years old, and he is well aware of Jacob. He also knows that butterflies make me happy and remind me him. While "exploring", we came across a butterfly resting on a tree. Luke pointed it out and said it reminded him of Jacob. We spent the rest of our "exploration" talking about how much Jacob would have liked the land and the trees. I think sometime we expect things like this to go right over the heads of children, but they understand and grasp so much of what is going on around them.
Luke asked me if I thought God would ever give Jacob back to us. I told him I didn't know, but I would love to have Jacob be given to me again. Luke told me something that I will never forget, because he had said it to me once before.
When my water broke and we told Luke that his baby brother would probably die, he told me to "Just Believe Mom, that what the Bible says to do, and if we really believe, and if it is something we ask God for, He will give it to us because He loves us."
He said this to me again, after I told him I "hope" God would do that. He then went to tell me we don't need to "hope" we just need to trust. From the mouth of a 7 year old. Wow. I love this kid! His insight is so wonderful and so trusting.
One of my biggest fears of Jacob dying was how it would affect my son and his faith. He saw us pray, and beg God to let us keep Jacob. And he saw God not answer those prayers with a Yes. I didn't want God's answer of no to keep my son from trusting Him. But it didn't. It made Luke's faith so much stronger and one that I pray nothing will be able to shake. Watching Luke grow in what he believes is incredible and very humbling. I hope I can one say trust God like Luke does. Without question, without hesitation, but with pure trust.
And that's a "not so dark" side I can smile about.