I was talking with a good friend a few months ago when the subject went to something that actually shocked me. She asked me why I was not open to going to a support group of other mothers who lost children.
My answer: Because no one has it as bad as me.
Now I know some of you might get offended by this, and frankly I was shocked by it as well. I know that losing a child is unbearably painful. I have lost 5 children to miscarriages, and every one of those hurt. But for my pain right now, nothing compares. No miscarriage could be as bad. No child loss could be as bad because MY situation was the worst one there was. At this point, my friend mentioned a mutual friend we knew who lost her young child to cancer a few years ago. And another whose son passed away at 19 years old. And I had no doubt in my head, that MY situation was worse than those. Now please realize, I don't say this to be cold hearted, but that is how I felt afterward. Here I was, in a situation where the only people who understand it, are those who have walked through it, and I was unable to see that others pain could be as bad as mine.
So after this, the conversation kept going through my mind over and over again. I needed to figure out why I felt this way and what has made me such a cold, bitter person.
Laying in bed a few nights later I had a dream. In my dream, I was running past children dying all over the place. These were kids I knew, some of them have passed away, and some of them haven't. But all I was worried about was my son. I could see him, away from me, and my only goal was to reach him and save HIM. It wasn't about the other children. It was about my son, because as a mother, it is my job to protect my children first. Don't get me wrong, there were tears running down my face as I passed these kids I knew, but my only focus was on my son.
I woke from this dream screaming, with tears all over my face, and sweat all over me. But it made it clear to me as to why I felt the way I did.
It was MY pain I felt.
I can look at another mother, and see the pain is there, but I don't have the pain she has from her child passing away. I can only see the pain from an outside perspective. I can see what it is from someone how knew that child as a friend, not as my own. And even though I know the pain of it being my child. I cannot connect that pain to another child. I think that is a way for me to protect myself. If I could put the pain I felt when Jacob died, into every situation of a child dying, I would no longer be alive. I could not function in that amount of intense grief.
Part of me is ashamed of the way I feel, but another part of me is proud of it. My son meant so much to me, there is nothing that will be as painful as that. Now maybe someone might argue with me on this. I'm am sure there are situations where there is more pain than just the death of a child at play. But for me, the worst pain I will feel, is the one that I actually feel first hand. When Jacob died, he took a part of my heart with him, and it will never come back. I will always miss a part of my life because he is gone. And that is a pain that no one will understand. They might understand the pain of THEIR child, but there are only two of us who understand the pain of MY child. And that's ok with me. Its a bittersweet reality. It is something that my husband and I share together, that no one will understand. And I am ok with that..
No comments:
Post a Comment