Holidays Suck

Everyone is getting ready for Christmas and all I can think about is Jacob. I know he's in Heaven, and probably going to have an amazing Christmas, but it sucks for me. I went and did Christmas shopping the other day for his twin sister. Of course they have the "matching outfits" out for Christmas. You know, the pretty red dress and tights with the matching gray and red sweater with khaki pants. I almost lost it. Buying presents for my other kids is just another one of the many punches in my heart. I should be buying gifts for Jacob. I should be trying to stretch my budget just a little bit farther. I should be buying toys that work for both a boy and a girl.

But its not just the gifts. Its the whole holiday season. It's the "joy" and "cheer" and "love" that after losing a child, you have to work really hard to get back. And I will, I will work to have a good Christmas with my kids. I will work to put a smile on my face and enjoy the family time with those who are around me. I will work to be happy. And then, when everyone is asleep, I will steal a few precious moments away for myself. I will cry, and probably scream, and more than likely, squeeze my Jacob bear as tight as I can in a desperate attempt to bring him back to me. Then, I will put his things back on his shelf, wipe my eyes and remember that he is ok, and that one day I will see him again.

Be kind to one another. Remember that Christmas is not about the gifts, but about the reason for the gifts. Without Christ, our life would be pointless. Without Christ, our goodbyes would be final. Without Christ, the crappy, unfair, horrible situations of this world would go unnoticed.

But with Christ, we have Love. We have Joy. We have Hope.

Merry Christmas from our hearts to yours.

Capture Your Grief Day 3: Before

There are so  many things I could say about "before" I lost Jacob. Things from being stupid enough to think it would NEVER happen to me, or being too "good" to even worry about losing a child. I am not new to child loss, as I have suffered a few miscarriages, but they are nothing compared to the pain of watching the life slowly leave a child you are holding. But there was also a lot of joy "before". I have a beautiful family with 3 older children who light up my world! I have been married to the most amazing man since I was 18 (we started dating when I was a freshman in high school). You could say I had a wonderful life. Even after my water broke at 12 weeks pregnant, I had a "good" life. I enjoyed moments of my pregnancy, including taking weekly pictures. This one is the last picture I got of my belly. It was two days before the twins were born.

I beat all the odds that came with PPROM. We beat every odd, except the one that mattered. I carried them longer than many women get the chance, I never got an infection, I never went into labor, I had fluid at times, all these things that were not "suppose" to happen, happened for me, and yet, here I am writing about the grief of losing a child. I wish I could go back to the "before", but that is just not possible. My life will forever be split into two times: Before my son died, and After.

Capture Your Grief Day 2: Heart

This one was easy for me. You see, when Jacob passed away, the hospital staff took pictures of Jacob for me. They dressed him up in a little outfit, and took a few pictures of him posed. Those are pictures I will treasure forever. One picture is especially important to me, because Jacob was "holding" a heart charm. It's nothing over the top, just a little heart resting between his hands. I got that heart, and I wear it on a necklace. I have only taken it off once, and that was when my husband took it to get Jacob Bradley engraved on the back. And it was the longest 3 weeks of my life. Once I got it back, I would be visiting Juliet in the NICU and during kangaroo care, she would hold onto the heart. Even now, 2 years later, when she is sick or upset, she holds onto that heart as a way to comfort herself. And I cannot blame her, as I do the same thing. Brett knows when I am missing Jacob because my hands always finds its way to that heart. It's  my link to Jacob. I get to hold something whenever I want, that he held too. I will always carry Jacob in my heart, and I will always wear "his heart" as a way to feel close to him.

Capture You Grief Day 1: Sunrise

Capture You Grief was started by another mother as a way to honor her child during the month of October. So many people know October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. As a way to remember Jacob, and all the others who have left this world before truly living, I will be taking part in Capture Your Grief and will be sharing them daily here.
Day 1: Sunrise
It seems fitting that the sunrise today was blocked by clouds. I truly love clouds, I actually love them more now. I feel the sun shines brighter when it is trying to break though them. Many mornings, I go out with the dogs and watch the sun rise. Its so peaceful. It reminds me of the peace that washed over me when Jacob died. It was not something that came from me. It was impossible to feel that level of peace by my own. God has answered a lot of prayers for me, but the one that I feel them most is this peace. Every time I see a sunrise, that peace washes over me again, and I can feel God holding me in his arms. When the sun finally breaks through and I feel those first few rays on my face, I know it's Jacob's way of saying he loves me. So I'll sit and watch the sunrise, every chance I get, just to feel God's arms, and Jacob's love.

My New Normal

Sorry to be MIA lately. Our life has become a little more crazy. On August 1st, we welcomed our rainbow into the world. He is perfect. Bradley James is named after his big brother, and I see a lot of Jacob in his face. It's hard to look at him and not see his brother. As wonderful as it is to have him here in my arms, it is also extremely hard. I think so often we expect people to "heal" from a tragic loss once they have found something or someone to fill their time again. I knew having a new baby boy would be hard. And it is. It is so hard to look at him and not feel the twinge of pain that Jacob is not here. It's bittersweet. If Jacob had survived, we would have never had another child. Bradley would not exist if Jacob had lived. I cannot imagine my life without Bradley. He has been in my arms for 27 days now and I cannot picture life without him.
I know so many people expect me to be "better" now. I have my baby boy and I should now be the happy, carefree woman I was 3 years ago. But I will never be her again. I will forever be changed by Jacob. (And I wouldn't have it any other way!) But I also need time to grieve this new pain that I have in my heart. A pain that is not easy to explain or describe. A pain that brings a tear to my eye, while at the same time, a smile to my lips. Jacob will NEVER be replaced. Bradley will be my baby. But the two of them will have a bond like no other. Thank you Jacob for giving me the chance to meet Bradley. I look forward to sharing your story with your baby brother as he gets older. Fly high Jacob; you have another one to watch and keep safe!

Telling Jacob's Story

I was asked if I would like to be featured on another mother's blog. She asked if I would be willing to share the twins story. Of course I was! I love talking about my twins.
But I didn't realize how much it still hurts, 20 months later, to relive those few moments I had with Jacob. Going over every detail in my mind. Seeing him so clearly and perfectly in my arms. Reliving the pain and heartbreak all over again. I never expected it to be easy. And actually, I hope it never is. I don't ever want to get to a point when remembering my son doesn't bring tears to my eyes for what I am missing. But I didn't expect it to be so crippling still. It took me a few hours to write what I wanted. To decide what parts of his story I wanted to share, and what parts I wanted to keep to myself. And now here I sit, the scars opened up again, raw and bleeding. He was my son. My perfect son who was loved so deeply from the moment we learned of him. He was desired and wanted. He is missed every second of the day. I think some days I am doing better, but then I have moments like these and I realize that I will never be "better". There is no way to be 'better' after your child dies. There are ways to get up and keep moving. There are ways to find joy and happiness in life again, but there is no way to be 'better'. It is not an illness you get over. Grief is not a disease, like many treat it.
So, for the rest of today, I will sit and hold Jake, and I will cry silently on the couch until my children wake up. Then I will clean my face, wipe my eyes and face the rest of the day until I can lay in bed and cry myself to sleep over the loss of a child I will never get to know. I miss you Jacob. So very much I miss you.

TRIGGERS!!

(For those who do not know what Triggers means, don't worry about it. It is a way for grieving mothers to warn others of content before they read it.)

Sorry it has been so quiet lately. We have been a little on the busy side. We moved into our new home and have been getting things settled and unpacked. Jacob's twin sister Juliet has been getting some evaluations and she is officially done with Physical Therapy. We are so blessed that she is doing well and I know her brother is keeping her safe.

We also have some exciting news to share. God has blessed us once again with another life to add to our family. Jacob will be a big brother in August 2014. (Yes just a month away) We have been very careful and cautious this pregnancy. We feel extremely blessed and I know Jacob played a part in this child's life. If God had allowed us to keep Jacob, I know this baby would never exist. No, it does not make it "worth it", or "easy" or any of those things, but I can see God's plans being played out in a way that I could not see 2 years ago. We are coming up on the anniversary of my water breaking with Jacob. So many emotions, both exciting and heartbreaking. I look forward to sharing Jacob's little sibling with you, while learning to navigate this new road of raising my Rainbow, and keeping Jacob very much alive in our family. We are ready. We are beyond scared and honestly, I dont know what I will do when this baby gets here, but I know God would not give me a child if it was not part of His plans. So, we will gladly accept this baby into our family and we look forward to sharing their life as well.

Thank you all for the continued support and prayers!

Meet Jake

I have been trying to come up with a way to incorporate Jacob in our family pictures. I have used things like his urn and our Molly Bear in the past. But I am always so fearful of something bad happening to them, so they rarely go anywhere with us. Unless we are taking pictures at home, I don't have anything to "hold his place" in our pictures. Well I've recently decided to change that. For those who don't know, Juliet and Jacob's nursery was done in blue and pink elephants. Everything was elephants! And even now, when I see a blue elephant, I think of my strong baby boy who is in his forever home. So what better way to hold his place, than an elephant.

For our 5th year wedding anniversary in 2012, our family went to Port Aransas, TX for a week at the beach. It was a wonderful trip to play and enjoy time as a family. What we soon learned, was we brought back a two very special blessings from that trip: Jacob and Juliet. After our pregnancy went horrible, and the twins were born early and we had to say goodbye to Jacob, I never wanted to go back. I loved that beach, but I never wanted to go back to it.

Well that all changed 2 days ago. For some reason I had strong urge to go back to that very beach. So strong, that I called Brett at 3pm at work on Friday (the twins 19 month birthday) and asked if he wanted to make a day trip the next day. We had plans to get things moved this weekend, but that didn't matter anymore. I needed to be at that beach. We drove 4 hours down, played for 7 hours, and drove 4 hours back yesterday. It was a long, exhausting, amazing time for our family. It was the first time Juliet was there, and the first trip we took "Jake the Elephant" on. I know it's silly, but in 20 years, having an old, ratty elephant in our family pictures will be one of the best things I can do to keep Jacob's memory alive. So, get ready to see lots of pictures of Jake.

I don't know why I needed to be there. I don't know what Jacob was trying to tell me, but one thing I did find brought me to tears. I know our little boy was smiling down on us yesterday. You see, the first time we were there, Brett and I were walking on the beach one evening when he had said he had never found a sand dollar on the beach. Not but a few steps ahead of us, was a perfect, whole sand dollar. How cool right? Well then, at christmas 2012, a month after Jacob had died, the "Remembrance" ornament from Hallmark, was a sand dollar. I know it was from God. A way to show us that He knows what He is doing, and His plans are perfect. Well, yesterday, while sitting on the beach, half a sand dollar washed right beside me and Juliet. It was no longer a whole one, since I had the other half in my lap. It was Jacob saying hi. And God reminding me that His plans are perfect. Always. As I go through life, I will always remember Jacob, and these times when I know he is near, I cannot help but smile, and cry.

We will be going back to Port A. I know Jacob wants us back there, and I know he is there too, smiling down on us enjoying life again, while never forgetting he is a huge part of it.

Life Goes On

Life goes on. The unbearably painful truth that haunts every grieving mother. Time does not stop when our children die. The world does not wait for us to pick ourselves up and get ready to keep moving. It goes on, and we are dragged along with it. We are expected to get up and get dressed every morning. We are needed by family members, our jobs, and our pets. But in truth, all we want to do is crawl into a hole and never come out. (Or at least that was me)

But what good comes from hiding out in a hole? I love the story of David and Bethsheba. When their child, a son became ill, David begged and pleaded with God. He did not eat, he did not get up from the ground. He did not bath. He was in what I considered myself to be a hole. The same type of hole I was in after Jacob died. But the day came when David's son died. And David did the most crazy thing in the world. He got up, showered, got dressed, and ate. When asked about it, he simply said “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 1 Samual 12:22-23. 


Now, I'm not saying it's not ok to weep, or be stuck in a hole. Heck, Jesus wept when he learned that his friend Lazareth had died. (And Jesus brought him back to life!) And I was stuck in my own hole for a long time. But David has a point. Can I bring Jacob back by crying and fasting and not bathing? Can I bring my son back by living my life in a hole? No, I can not. I cannot do anything that will bring Jacob back to me. But I will see him again. I will get to a point when I can hug my son again. I will go to him one day (and I fully expect him to be there waiting to greet me as soon as I do.) 


So what good does it do to stay in my hole? I'm not saying it's easy. And frankly, there are times when I really don't WANT to get up out of my hole. But God has put me here for a reason. And he let Jacob die for a reason. What if the reason was for me to understand something? What if it was help someone else through this journey? What if, it was not for my benefit at all, but for someone else to see God? What good can I do by living in a hole. What can I share, what can I support, if I cannot get myself up off the ground? Don't get me wrong, I fail at this on a regular basis. I don't always want to share Jacob's story. I don't always want to get the pity looks, the "I'm so sorry", "I don't know how you do it", "I could never survive that" comments. But I also know that God has a plan. A plan that I wish I could change sometimes. But in my heart, I know it is good. And I know God will reward those who are faithful to Him. I don't know what that looks like, and honestly all I want is to have my son delivered into my arms again. But one day, I just hope I can go before God and say I did the best I could. I don't want to regret anything when I stand before the LORD, but instead be able to hold my head high and say, "Yes it was hard, and yes it hurt, and no I didn't understand, but I kept moving forward." 

I pray you are moving forward. Even if it is so slow, no one else notices. God will notice, and your sweet angel will notice too. 

Mothers Day 2014

Dear Mothers,
Today is a day all about you. Your kids make you sweet little home made gifts from school. Usually consisting of handprints and footprints. Your husband gets you a nice lunch or dinner with flowers to show how much he appreciates all you do. Maybe you get a break from cleaning, or laundry. Maybe you get pampered and a chance to relax. And it feels pretty good right? All these things done for you because you are MOM. But what about those who don't get the gifts, because their baby never changes.

I will be honest. I celebrated 7 Mother's Days before I became a mother to an angel. And I thought it was all about those gifts, and breaks and good meals. But now I realize Mother's Day is about love. A love that only a mother can understand. A love that, like nothing else will be carried through your life until your last breath. A love that, when your child is gone, has no where to go. There is no longer a recipient of those hugs and kisses when you feel like giving them out. There is no one to snuggle with and cuddle when the time comes. There is someone missing from those Mother's Day pictures.

I hated Mother's Day last year. It was my first Mother's Day without Jacob. I avoided Facebook at all costs, because I knew I would see pictures of every Mom with her "sweet babies". (the same one's she was just complaining about the day before). I didn't want to celebrate. I didn't want anything. I didn't even want a picture of me with my kids, because I knew I would be missing one of them. My Mother's Day photos would never be complete again. My husband asked that we get just one picture of me with them, if not for me, but for the kids sakes. So we took one. Just one. It still hurts to look at. But I have it, and I am glad. I will be taking one more this year. Just one.

Mother's Day is a day that is suppose to be joyful and happy and relaxing, but when your child is gone, Mother's Day is just another reminder that you are not the person you used to be. So, If you know an angel Mom, do me a favor and give her a hug today. Reminder her she is a mother, and MENTION her child. Because that is what we all want. We want our children to be remembered. And I promise, you won't be the "reminder" that our child is gone, but you will be the reason we can go home and smile again.

Pictures

Jacob  right after birth getting his vent tube placed

I know, two post in one day! But I just need to talk about this.

I have never shared pictures of Jacob before. I have many that the hospital took after he passed away, plus a few that nurses and friends took when we took him off life support and were saying goodbye. I've been asked a lot why I never shared pictures of him. I honestly don't know the answer to that question. Part of it, I know, had to do with Jacob being MINE. I didn't get a lot of time with him, so I guess I just wanted him to be only mine. When my mom came down for his memorial service, I showed the pictures to her, and my best friend was there with us in the NICU the day he died. But besides those few people who were there that day, no one has seen pictures of Jacob.

It's not that I am ashamed of him or scared or anything really, except that I wanted him to myself.

My best friend and I with Jacob

I decided to share a few pictures today for the first time of Jacob on my facebook page. And I am in shock. A good shock, don't get me wrong. I never realized how many people have been waiting to see this little boy that they hear so much about. It never occurred to me, that sharing his picture would be something that other's longed for, and actually enjoyed. I never thought sharing his pictures would be an act of strength. To me, it was out of weakness that I shared these pictures. I NEED people to know he was here. I NEED others to love him, and see him. I need to know he was not just a horrible dream I had. He WAS real. He WAS alive. He WAS here. My job as his mother is to never let him be forgotten. I feel selfish for keeping his pictures to myself for so long. Selfish, and like I failed him in a way. But I cannot go back and I cannot change that now. Now, I just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Keeping Jacob's memory alive. So, the first step, is to share his pictures. I hope you enjoy them.

Brett and I with Jacob and Juliet together again. 

Perfect little fingers

I still regret this moment: Telling them to unplug him. 

Missing the "Should have Beens"

18 Months without you. It still amazes me how fast time is going on without you. The world keeps turning, schools, jobs, friends all continue on with life. And here I sit, balling my eyes out all day because for some reason it seems more "ok" for me to cry on "anniversary" days then others. It't not really anything major about this day, except it has the same day on a calendar. You should be having an 18 month check up this week. I should be looking forward to the "new" things you will be accomplishing now that you have hit this time milestone. But you wont ever hit those milestones. Your hand will forever be the size it was on November 8th, 2012. You will forever be my baby, not my toddler, or little boy, or grown man that I still call my baby. I've gone through this with every "milestone" and it honestly never gets easier. There is always something new I am missing with you. There is always something I long to see you do, but I know it will never happen. I dont know when or if this will ever change. I hope one day I will be able to not think about the "what ifs", but the reality is, when God called you home, He took a future away from us that we will never know. He took not just your life, but your wife's life, and your children's lives out of ours forever. I will never see you as a husband, or a father. I will never get to watch your Dad pass down knowledge on raising a family to you. It will always be bittersweet. And no matter what God puts in our path, and blesses us with in the future, YOU will always be missing.

I am a Survivor of PTSD and PPD

For some reason, post partum depressions is a topic that most people don't want to talk about. But it is something that needs to be discussed.
When I went into my 6 week post delivery check up with my OB, she gave me a basic 10 question quiz about how I'm feeling. This is given to every new mom and it is a basic test to tell if the new mom is suffering from PPD. At this point, Jacob had been dead for 5 weeks, 5 days and Juliet was still struggling in the NICU. Don't get me wrong, she was doing better, but we still had horrible days frequently, and we were on pins and needles when we were not by her side.

To say I was "depressed" was probably an understatement. My doctor discussed it with me and asked if I was wanting any anti-depressentants to help me through my hard time. I knew I was depressed, but this was not due to some chemical unbalance in my head; It was due to the fact that I fought for my son's life for 25 weeks, and it was taken from me. While the idea of taking something that would take the pain away was tempting, I knew in reality, I was going to have to face my pain one day, so why not now? I refused all medication, but I did ask for one more test to be done. 1 in 10 NICU parents develop PTSD (post-tramatic stress disorder). Due to my delivery and the stress of the NICU while trying to parent 3 older children at home, I was feeling myself become extremely anxious, stressed, and overall panicky about everything. I knew the likelihood of me having PTSD was high, so I asked to be tested. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD on January 8th, 2013: Two months to the day since Jacob died. I never told anyone I was tested, not even my husband. He knew, and I'm sure my friends around me knew I was suffering, but I was not about to give anyone a reason to push medications on me when I didn't want them. And I refused all medication. I wanted to get through this my way, with nothing but God by my side.  I didn't want to be diagnosed so I could get medications. I wanted to know what was going on, so I could take steps to improve myself. I didn't want to rely on a pill to make me feel better, only to have to stop taking it one day and suffer through it all at a later date. I spent many days figuring out what triggered my panic attacks. Some were simple: pregnancy, newborn baby boys, doctor's offices. Others were harder to figure out because I didn't realize they were a trigger until it hit me. The smell of the lotion and soap I used in the hospital, certain songs I listened to while on bed rest, even some foods.  As I discovered a new trigger, I began to try and break that trigger from affecting me. I would play those songs, look at pictures of newborn babies, talk about/to pregnant women. And slowly, I was able to overcome the panic attacks.
But they are not gone. I just had another one not too long ago, when I heard a heart rate monitor playing at the beginning and ending of a song at my church. It reminds me that this is not a one time thing. This is something that may still affect me years down the road. There may always be things that make my eyes tear up, my heart rate skyrocket, my palms get sweaty and my head get light. Satan will not give up just because I have worked with God to overcome these pitfalls that keep me from living my life the way God has intended.
I don't bring this up to get praise, or pity. I bring this up so others may know my struggles, and realize they are not alone. God uses every stumble and situation to bring glory to HIM. And without HIM, there is no way I would be able to overcome this. Don't be afraid of a diagnosis. Don't feel your only option is medicine. I am proud to say that almost 18 months later, while I am still suffering from PTSD, I am functional, and I did it all without medication. I am strong enough to get through this, and so are you.

The Little Things

So many mothers have little things they remember about their children. I am no different, but my "little things" are different. I got to see my Jacob once a week from 14 weeks pregnant until he was born. I got to see him kick, and move his arms. I go to see him make amazing strides by opening his mouth and swallowing. I got to see hiccups and his little body move up and down as he was practicing breathing.

One of my favorite things was hearing his heartbeat. It didn't take long for me to know who was who. Juliet was always a little faster and never the same. Her heart would be anywhere from 170-180, but never the same as it was the week before. Jacob's was steady. Every week, his little heart rate was 162 beats per minute. No matter what we did, it was always 162. I quickly learned the sound of it, and it is one sound that I can still hear in my head. I feel like it's my equivalent to my child's voice. I never got to hear Jacob cry, or talk. God gave me this instead. God gave me his heartbeat to carry with me throughout my life as a reminder of him and a memory to hold onto. I often find myself tapping my feet to the beat of my son's heart.

The other "reminder" of him, was feeling him move. Every morning at about 6:45am, Jacob would wake me up by poking me on my left lower side. It was as if he was there to say, "Hey Mommy, I'm still here and growing." Every day from the first day I felt him, he never failed to wake me up. I still get "ghoast kicks" every once in a while. I know it's not him, but I love them all the same.

I don't get a lot of memories of Jacob, so I cling so tightly to the ones I do have. I didn't get his laughter, or his "mommy I love you". I didn't get his smiles or his hugs. But I got things all the same. I got to know my son as he was. I got to know Jacob the way God wanted me to know him. God pointed out things that I would never remember otherwise. He showed me things that I would need later on, to point me in the direction God was taking me. And all of those things were before Jacob was born. The Jacob I knew was not the one outside my womb; it was the Jacob that I carried for 179 days inside me.

Your Child is NOT an Angel!

I get it, everyone loves to call that sweet precious baby and "angel", especially if they are a well-behaved child. But the reality is, your child is not an angel. And you should be thankful they are not an angel. I never realized how much a term can mean until my son died. I never thought for a second about a child being an "angel". It just didn't matter to me, because I was blissful ignorant to the fact that there are some mothers whose children are actually angels, or at least with them. I get it, people love calling babies angels. There is an innocents about babies that people cannot help but link to the Holy Hosts. But I just ask that before you talk about your "angel" think of what it could do to a mother who has a true angel.
I was talking with another mother who I didn't know very well. She was going on and on about her "angel". The way she spoke, I honestly thought her child had passed away. And boy was she appalled when I said it was so nice to hear another grieving parent talk about her child so much. She actually got offended that I would consider even saying something like that. How dare I think such a horrid and disgusting thought! Needless to say, I never informed her that I actually had an angel watching me from Heaven. I came home and cried for a few hours straight.

I don't blame her for what she calls her child, but I am upset that so many people are uninformed about common sayings and names given to children who have passed away. This is not something new. Children have been dying every day since the beginning of creation! How can we, as a nation, be so shut off from something that happens all around us every day?! Sure, people think it won't happen to them, but that doesn't mean its not happening all around them every day in their community. In the 119 days we spent in the NICU with my daughter, there were 38 children, not including Jacob, that came into the NICU and never went home. (And those are just ones that I saw. I can almost guarantee there where more.) There were another 2 that passed away after going home, and numerous others that never made it to the NICU at all. And this was just one hospital. One hospital in one town, in one state, in one nation. And the US is not the only one that gets hit by this. In fact, we have one of lowest number of infant deaths in the world.

So why do we shy away from these topics. Why was what I said such an insult? Why is talking about children that have passed a "gross", "hideous", "inappropriate" thing? I have never shared a picture of my son. I only have one while he was alive. The rest were taken after he was removed from life support and was dying in my arms. I've been asked many times why I never shared these pictures. I have seen women share their own pictures on social media, and been told to remove it due to it being "grotesque" and "inappropriate". There is NOTHING about my son that is grotesque or inappropriate. He was a living, breathing human being that I loved as much as every other child I have ever carried. I will not share a picture of him, just to be told to remove it because someone cannot handle it. Cannot handle it?! I had to sit and watch him die in my arms, you can "handle" looking at a single picture of him.

I get it. No one fights for a cause until it affects them. But that is too late. If I could have fought for this cause long before I lost my son, I would be in a different place. In fact, I may have never lost Jacob at all. But I never knew it was an issue. I never knew my water could break at just 12 weeks pregnant. And it is now my goal to change that. If I can help just one mother keep her baby alive by sharing my story until I am blue in the face then I have made a difference. Maybe not for everyone, but for one mother to not have to say goodbye to her child and sign that death certificate: It will be worth it.

The "Not so Dark" Side

I will never say there is a good/bright/happy side to losing a child. It is just a fact that being an angel mommy is incredibly painful. But, if we chose to only focus on the bad, we will never improve ourselves or those around us. I have to, for my own sanity and for the health of my family, look at the "bright" side of things every once in a while.
We are in the process of building a house on 7 acres of land up the road from where we live now. We spend most of this past weekend outside playing and relaxing the the glory of God's creations.

My oldest son is 7 years old, and he is well aware of Jacob. He also knows that butterflies make me happy and remind me him. While "exploring", we came across a butterfly resting on a tree. Luke pointed it out and said it reminded him of Jacob. We spent the rest of our "exploration" talking about how much Jacob would have liked the land and the trees. I think sometime we expect things like this to go right over the heads of children, but they understand and grasp so much of what is going on around them.
Luke asked me if I thought God would ever give Jacob back to us. I told him I didn't know, but I would love to have Jacob be given to me again. Luke told me something that I will never forget, because he had said it to me once before.
When my water broke and we told Luke that his baby brother would probably die, he told me to "Just Believe Mom, that what the Bible says to do, and if we really believe, and if it is something we ask God for, He will give it to us because He loves us."
He said this to me again, after I told him I "hope" God would do that. He then went to tell me we don't need to "hope" we just need to trust. From the mouth of a 7 year old. Wow. I love this kid! His insight is so wonderful and so trusting.
One of my biggest fears of Jacob dying was how it would affect my son and his faith. He saw us pray, and beg God to let us keep Jacob. And he saw God not answer those prayers with a Yes. I didn't want God's answer of no to keep my son from trusting Him. But it didn't. It made Luke's faith so much stronger and one that I pray nothing will be able to shake. Watching Luke grow in what he believes is incredible and very humbling. I hope I can one say trust God like Luke does. Without question, without hesitation, but with pure trust.
And that's a "not so dark" side I can smile about.

Valentines Day

Today sucks. Everyone is off doing sweet things with their babies. Not only can I NOT spend the day with my son, this is also the day he was suppose to be born. February 14th, 2013 was my due date. I know I probably wouldn't have given birth on this day, but that is what is suppose to be. Instead, it is the day I base Juliet's development on, and the day that could have held so many different "what ifs". Its the day that SHOULD HAVE BEEN their birthday. Instead, its a day that I watch every other parent spend with their "little Valentine" making sweet snacks, crafts and the like, knowing I will never get to do that with my son. And yes I have other living children, and yes I love them and their little crafts and snacks, but I am still missing one. And that sucks. Trust me, there is something worse than not having a "Valentine"; its having a Valentine you cannot be with on Valentine's Day. So I'll send up a Valentine Balloon later today, and hope Jacob gets it. Jacob, you will always be "my little Valentine".

My pain will ALWAYS be the Worst

I was talking with a good friend a few months ago when the subject went to something that actually shocked me. She asked me why I was not open to going to a support group of other mothers who lost children.

My answer: Because no one has it as bad as me.

Now I know some of you might get offended by this, and frankly I was shocked by it as well. I know that losing a child is unbearably painful. I have lost 5 children to miscarriages, and every one of those hurt. But for my pain right now, nothing compares. No miscarriage could be as bad. No child loss could be as bad because MY situation was the worst one there was. At this point, my friend mentioned a mutual friend we knew who lost her young child to cancer a few years ago. And another whose son passed away at 19 years old. And I had no doubt in my head, that MY situation was worse than those. Now please realize, I don't say this to be cold hearted, but that is how I felt afterward. Here I was, in a situation where the only people who understand it, are those who have walked through it, and I was unable to see that others pain could be as bad as mine.

So after this, the conversation kept going through my mind over and over again. I needed to figure out why I felt this way and what has made me such a cold, bitter person.

Laying in bed a few nights later I had a dream. In my dream, I was running past children dying all over the place. These were kids I knew, some of them have passed away, and some of them haven't. But all I was worried about was my son. I could see him, away from me, and my only goal was to reach him and save HIM. It wasn't about the other children. It was about my son, because as a mother, it is my job to protect my children first. Don't get me wrong, there were tears running down my face as I passed these kids I knew, but my only focus was on my son.

I woke from this dream screaming, with tears all over my face, and sweat all over me. But it made it clear to me as to why I felt the way I did.

It was MY pain I felt.

I can look at another mother, and see the pain is there, but I don't have the pain she has from her child passing away. I can only see the pain from an outside perspective. I can see what it is from someone how knew that child as a friend, not as my own. And even though I know the pain of it being my child. I cannot connect that pain to another child. I think that is a way for me to protect myself. If I could put the pain I felt when Jacob died, into every situation of a child dying, I would no longer be alive. I could not function in that amount of intense grief.

Part of me is ashamed of the way I feel, but another part of me is proud of it. My son meant so much to me, there is nothing that will be as painful as that. Now maybe someone might argue with me on this. I'm am sure there are situations where there is more pain than just the death of a child at play. But for me, the worst pain I will feel, is the one that I actually feel first hand. When Jacob died, he took a part of my heart with him, and it will never come back. I will always miss a part of my life because he is gone. And that is a pain that no one will understand. They might understand the pain of THEIR child, but there are only two of us who understand the pain of MY child. And that's ok with me. Its a bittersweet reality. It is something that my husband and I share together, that no one will understand. And I am ok with that..

Just Let Me Cry

It has been 14 months, and 9 days since Jacob died. Yeah, thats a long time to some people, but to a grieving mother, that is nothing. Fourteen months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I will (hopefully), live to be 80 years old. That means, I will suffer through the death of my son for 56 years. Fourteen months is nothing compared to that. But people want me to be over it. They want me to be happy, and laughing, and "back to my old self". It makes people uncomfortable to see me cry over Jacob. And I understand that they are over it by now. They don't get tears in their eyes when they think of my son who was only here for a few short days. They don't relive ever moment of his life like I do. They don't need to cry anymore. But I do. Sometimes, I just need to have a good cry, and get it out. I miss my son. Every second of every day I miss the child that I should be watching grow and learn new things. I miss the firsts that I never got to see, and I never will. And as much as I wish I didn't need to cry, I do. So let me do that. If I start to cry, let me get it out. If it makes you uncomfortable, get over yourself. I get it: No one wants to talk about death and be reminded of it every day. I promise, I know. But sometimes, you have to put your own insecurities and comfort zones out of the way, and allow those who need to heal, to do so. Don't ask me when I "wont need" to cry anymore. Because the reality is, I will probably have days 20+ years from now that I need to cry. And thats ok. So often we try and "fix" people. Trust me, I have been there trying to "fix" other's hurt. But the reality is, no one can fix this pain. No one can take it away and no one can replace the life that is now gone forever. I will always miss my son. I could go on to have 10 more kids, and it still won't be the same. I will still miss Jacob. Unless God himself gives Jacob back to me, I will always miss him, and there will always be someone missing from our family pictures. So let me cry.

I found this song after writing this and I knew it was perfect, so I thought I would share it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt0BKDOe3x0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Trusting God

As anyone can imagine, having a child die can shake your faith. Especially in my case.

Here is a little backstory of our pregnancy. We went in at 7 weeks and got our first ultrasound. It was then that we saw two perfectly beating hearts on the screen. I never expected in my life to be given two children at once. We already had 3 beautiful children, and we were trying for one more to complete our family. My husband and I laughed  (out of pure shock), but we were excited! My mind started spinning and I started making lists (which I always do when stressed) of all the things we would need for 2 new babies. I did as much reading as I could, and I logged everything that happened, every day. The first part of my pregnancy seemed to fly by. Before I knew it, I was 11 week pregnant, and SHOWING!! I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. I usually don't announce pregnancy until after 12 weeks because we have lost a few to miscarriage and I knew it was likely to happen again.

This is when it all changed. I was sitting at our friends house during small group when I realized I was slightly wet down there. I didn't think much of it, but when I got home I called my doctor's office just to make sure. They told me unless there was blood, there was nothing to worry about.

One week later, I went into to see the MFM (maternal fetal medicine doctor). Basically a specialist for high risk pregnancies. I was high risk due to my preterm labor in previous pregnancies as well as this one being twins. When we got in there and started the ultrasound, we knew something wasn't right. There were two heartbeats, but one looked very small. The MFM came in and told me what I was afraid to hear. My water had broken a week ago, at 12 weeks pregnant. A baby cannot survive without fluid because they need it to develop their lungs. Not only that, but once your water breaks you are at a hight risk of infection. We were told to terminate the pregnancy, but we refused. Our MFM told us all we could do was wait until my body miscarried them both, or I got an infection in which case they would induce me and we would lose both of the babies.

We had a choice at this moment. We could agree to what the doctor wanted, or we could put it in God's Hands. We chose the latter, and asked God to protect them, and keep them safe and growing. And he did. For 13 weeks, he kept both of the babies growing on track, we got to see things that we were told we never would because Jacob didn't have fluid. I stayed healthy, with no infection setting in.

Fast forward through a traumatic emergency c-section (with no pain medicine might I add) at 25 weeks pregnant, to 2 days after birth. Jacob had had two major brain bleeds and his body and organs started shutting down. We watched as they pulled him off life support and said goodbye.

I begged and pleaded with God to keep Jacob alive. He had done it for 13 weeks, why would he take my son away now? But He did, and it hurt.

I hated trusting God. I trusted Him, and he let me down. He let me believe I would bring my son home, and then he pulled the rug right out from under me. In a matter of less then 48 hours, my life went from having so much hope, to losing it all. I went through some pretty dark times since then. And I'm sure I'll go through more as time goes on. But there is one thing that bugs me now. Most of my friends are amazing! They try and help, and I know they mean well, but its hard to watch someone go through this and not think they are still "stuck" in their "not trusting God" faze. Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I don't trust him, but more often then not, its not that I don't trust him. I just realize that He is going to do His plans, and they may not be what I want. I trust God to do what is "best" and is "His Plan". However, I have learned that His Plan and My Plan are not always the same, and he is not going to do My Plan, just because I ask Him to. I have learned that God is willing to let me suffer, for the Greater Plan, and I have to be prepared for that. I don't "not trust" God with whatever the issue is, I trust Him to do what he needs to do, and I am no longer naive enough to think it will not cause me pain. I have to be prepared for the fact that sometimes, life sucks, and there is nothing you can do to change it. I hate the "I prayed and God answered my Prayers" saying. Because the reality is, Jacob didn't die because I didn't pray. Trust me on this, it was not from a lack of prayers that my son died. My son died because that is what God had planned, and no matter how much I prayed and begged, if God wanted my son, He was going to get him.

No its, not that I don't trust God, I have just learned that trusting God doesn't always mean a good outcome for me. And that sucks...

Really, you had to ask THAT?!!!

I cannot get over how many seemingly simple questions can cause so much pain now that I have an angel. So many times, people mean no harm in asking simple things, they are just trying to have a conversation. Unfortuanatly, after losing a child, those simple things, turn into questions that leave an angel mommy feeling confused, mad, and often upset at herself for the way she answered.

After I brought my living twin home from the hospital, I had the occasion when I had to take all 4 of my living children to the store. At one point, the very sweet older lady who was our cashier asked me "Oh how sweet, how many children do you have." First of all, I had 4 with me, can you not count? Second of all, do you really want me to say it so you can tell me how hard is must be and how busy I am, because I SHOULD be more busy, and I would do anything to be pulling my hair because my twins wont sleep at the same time. I stood and looked at her like she had just slapped me in the face. It was the first time someone had asked me how many kids I had since Jacob had died. How do I answer this? Do I tell her 5 and have her ask where the other one was, in which case I would have to explain the whole story to her? Which lets face it, no one wants to hear about a baby that has less than a 1% chance at life, unless they survive. Do I tell her 4 and refuse to acknowledge that my son is my child? I remember that day so clearly because it was the first time I refused to mention my Jacob. I came home and cried. I felt horrible because I felt like I let him down. I didn't give him the recognition he deserved and as a mother, I failed him. Our job as mothers is to raise our children and teach them, My job as an Angel Mommy, is to keep my son's story alive. Since that day I have refused to do that again. I mention him whenever asked and realize that my comfort is what I have to live with, not theirs. If they get uncomfortable about me mentioning my dead child, then that is something they need to work on, not me. I refuse to let someone else's comfort level affect me and what I say about my son.

I could go on and on about what questions rip me to the core, but in reality it wont change anything. What it has changed is me. I no longer carry on small talk with strangers. I will see a cute baby and want to ask about them, but what if they just lost a baby too? What if that sweet little one is suppose to be a twin, but will live their life alone? What if the parents want more kids, but cannot have more? These are questions that I never thought about before, but now I cannot help but wonder. Becoming an Angel Mommy has changed my perspective, and taking away my innocents when it comes to babies. I no longer find joy in someone announcing a pregnancy. Instead I hit my knees praying God keeps that baby safe and healthy until at least 40 weeks!! I worry about parents and babies and older children alike, because I know what this pain is, and I wish it on NO ONE!! Losing a Child changes the parents. It takes away a lot of joy. Not JUST because our child is gone, but because we no longer can live the carefree life we lived before. We can no longer enjoy the little things, because in the back of our head is always the fear of losing those children in our lives we care so much about. We are forever changed, and frankly, I am still trying to decide if its for the better.

January 2014

So fast forward 14 months, and here we are. I spent the whole last year, worrying and taking care of Jacob twin sister Juliet. Thank God, she is a happy healthy 1 year old, who besides being slightly delayed in her development, she has no long term effects from being born 4 months early. As I thought about a New Year's Resolution, I thought back to 2013. Our daughter came home from the hospital in March, and our life has revolved around countless doctor appointment, physical therapy, and trying to keep her safe and healthy. Add on top of that the lives of her three older siblings, and we have a pretty busy house. I didn't realize until thinking back, that 2013 I spend pushing down and pretending the pain of Jacob was not there. I was "fine" when people asked, and really, I didn't bring up the pain and didn't want to. I wanted to be "over it" and move on to being happy again. Unfortunately, being happy is something that no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't. I didn't find joy in life, and while my kids could make me smile every once in a while, I wasn't really "happy".

So I have set out to change that. And part of being happy, is acknowledging the pain and living through it. I'm not saying at the end of 2014 I will be "over" Jacob, and I will be "back to the old me", but I hope I will be one step closer. It's not going to be a fun journey, that's for sure. It's never fun to bring up pain when all you want is to be done with it. It may not be fun, and it sure as hell won't be easy, but in the end, it will be worth it. To be able to enjoy life again, and to be happy again is worth all the crap I have to go through to get there. It will be bringing up old memories, good and bad. It will be living through some pain over and over again, and it will be bring up pains that I never "dealt" with in the first place. In the end, I hope to come out stronger, braver, happier, and most of all, I hope to have back the Faith I started with during this journey.

Welcome to my journey. If you are a fellow angel mommy, I'm sorry. There is no other words to say to someone who lost a child, because in reality, words won't make it better. But I hope you can find some comfort in this, and know you are not alone. Thanks for joining me on my journey....

November 8th, 2012

November 8th 2012. My twins were less then two days old. They were born at 25 weeks gestation, and weighted right around 1.5lbs. While sleeping in my hospital bed, I got the call I never wanted. We needed to get down to the NICU ASAP. Jacob's stats were dropping, and it wouldn't be long before he would leave this world. I had spend the night praying, no begging, God to keep him alive. It didn't matter that I knew a long time ago that he had less than a 1% chance of survival. I really thought a miracle would pull us through, and I would be bringing home two babies from the hospital. That was not what was happening. And no matter how much I cried out, I realized that morning that nothing I could do would change reality. My son was about to die, and I had to be there to say goodbye. So, with my husband and best friend by my side, I went to say goodbye to Jacob Bradley Phillips. I watched as the nurses pulled his IVs out, and my heart broke as I watched them unhook him from the only machine that was keeping him alive. He lived in my arms for about 15 minutes. I got to see him by his sisters side for the only time in their lives. I watched as the color faded out of him, and I felt his body go cold. I kissed him once on the head and said goodbye. At this moment my life was split into two. My life before my son died, and my life after. Welcome to my journey...